What Hurts So Much?

Hello Compassionate's, How are you? I hope you are well.

Here we are the day after Valentine's day, I've been rewritting this blog post many times to make sure it really expresses in a inspiring way that with everything going on, that compassion is worth sharing even if you aren't well. Emotional this month mixed in with the last week of January has been depressing to say the least, Violet, Channel's mother was hit by a car 6 months ago and passed away the last week of January, we had not been told before about the car and failing health by our friend, just a phone call about that she had passed and would we want a few of her items for our dog Channel, I think she was the youngest out of Violet's last litter of puppies, well my oldest daughter was in tears that our dog's mom had passed, it's just her siblings left as the dad dog died some time back.

It wasn't long after that, home from the Gala meeting of the first Saturday of the month I texted my mom for a update about how uncle Fred and uncle Bob were doing and got the news Ann had passed away but the service had already happened, she was related on my grandmother's side, the hard truth hit me, I had not seen her since Aunt Doris's Funeral, it sucks not to be able to drive or own a car, just haven't had the money for it so for most of my life I have lived on a bus route, not just that but if weather is nice and it's not to long of a walk, then we walk, take the wagon to get food or if it's to long a walk for my five year old he gets a little tired he will jump in the wagon for a bit, if it is to far to walk and not on a bus route and we have enough money then we cab it.

Ann passed away Jan 27th seems like 27 is when many in my family have passed, but not going into that list. The day Uncle Fred got to home from the hospital, Uncle Bob dropped us off in Oshawa for the train and did that 1 hour 30 min drive to find he can drive his brother home. That was beautiful timing, my mom and step dad and I were still on the train almost to Toronto, it's a long train trip from Aldershot to Oshawa and then that 1 h 30 min drive to Lindsay, but I am so grateful that it seemed like the end but wasn't, but he has been given about 2 months to live, we are working out details that maybe, praying I can get the kids there maybe make a march break trip out of it, so Compassionate's prayers Uncle Fred can regain some strength and a bit of health for some more time and memories together.

So what hurts so much?

I haven't done much creating since the day before heading to see Uncle Fred without the kids, this is done into respect that as a Artist I feel my heart and soul goes into the creation and prefer to feel blessings and happiness and peace so that can be passed on to the one who buys it or wears it or hangs it on the door, I often focus on asking our Creator to give extra blessings to the one gifting the item they have purchased from me. 

With so much going on in a close time frame it hurt that I had to have a mental break when I was hoping this time I can be more focused on the business.

 Was the 26th of Jan the last time I will see my uncle Fred? How many more friends and family will pass away that I haven't been able to see? Will I find some more affordable events to get into because I did better in person then online? Does my compassion get in the way of making money? Does the lack of funds to fully invest in the business make that much different to afford ads to get sales? 

I know self doubt will pass, letting myself have a break to calm my heart and mind is the best way to honour the emotional waves, I feel them, know them and reach the point I can release them.

Uncle Fred is so hopeful and wants to beat the cancer for more time, but it's in the bones now, and the blood work says the time is about 2 months to make some more memories and have all things in order,  he has been fighting for every min for 3 years, he is 68 and looks almost as old as my grandfather when he passed (in his late 80's), will the kids get to see him? he wants too but I worry, Once upon a time before my grandma died my family saw each other more, I guess she was the glue, didn't know I couldn't fill her shoes.  Maybe all the memories and longing compacted together with flash backs and hope left to reach, going to do my best to make sure he can reach the goal of seeing them again.

 Listening to some upbeat faith songs, tears don't seem to fall just a lingering sorrow, a ache of wishing I could visit family more, I had a strong faith but I feel like I am really struggling with how much death has been close to me.

2 family members, 2 friends passed away in a short time, so Dear Compassionate's share love and compassion every day, it is a gift that keeps on giving, live your life as the change you want to see, the peace you want to see and share blessings no matter how small it may seem.

Be Blessed, Stay Safe and Peace and Compassion be with you, All Day, Everyday.


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